rip v. winkle

bosstone86 @ 2006-12-28T06:15:00

2006-12-28T11:15:52Z

i forgot i even had this thing.

better not do anything about it, huh?

bosstone86 @ 2005-03-15T02:38:00

2005-03-15T07:39:07Z

today was the first day i realized i've lived a wasted life.

a grand don't come for free

2005-01-18T06:15:54Z

so it's been some months now. and i haven't posted. so what better than some emo british rap lyrics? because this is the type of crap i'm in. proper sorry frown.

And I'm just standing there
I can't say a word
Because everything is just gone
I've got nothing
Absolutely nothing

Trying to pull her close out of bear desperation
Put my arms around her, trying to change what she's saying
Pull my head level with hers so that she might engage in
Look in to her eyes to make her listen again

I'm not gonna fucking just fucking leave it all now
'Cause you said it'd be forever, and that was your vow
And your gonna let our things simply crash and fall down
You're well out of order now, this is well out of town

She pulls away my arms, tightly clamped round her waist
Gently pushes me back as she looks at me straight
Turns around so she's now got her back to my face
Takes one step forward, looks back, then walks away

Dry your eyes mate
I know it's hard to take, but her mind has been made up
There's plenty more fish in the sea
Dry your eyes mate
I know you want to make her see how much this pain hurts
But you've got to walk away now, it's over

it's about damn time.

2004-09-07T11:08:15Z

for a new lj post. so be on the look out for that...you stupid bitches.

- i apologize, it's 7 am.

"warm up the puss" - joseph parker.

2004-07-19T21:16:39Z

i actually told a girl, "you wish" last night. what a fucking asshole.

ta-day!

2004-05-15T00:07:17Z

bosstone86's Word Usage

1. i (190)	26. on (25)	51. really (15)	76. want (11)
2. the (142)	27. right (24)	52. up (15)	77. shit (11)
3. to (126)	28. now (24)	53. are (14)	78. your (10)
4. and (101)	29. into (23)	54. fuck (14)	79. going (10)
5. a (95)	30. love (23)	55. see (14)	80. cause (10)
6. of (91)	31. don't (23)	56. they (14)	81. i'll (10)
7. that (90)	32. she (22)	57. from (14)	82. been (10)
8. i'm (77)	33. with (22)	58. do (14)	83. things (10)
9. me (74)	34. have (21)	59. too (14)	84. need (9)
10. my (73)	35. one (21)	60. dose (13)	85. eyes (9)
11. it's (62)	36. was (20)	61. something (13)	86. could (9)
12. you (62)	37. at (20)	62. we (13)	87. am (9)
13. it (60)	38. not (20)	63. say (13)	88. never (9)
14. in (52)	39. what (20)	64. if (13)	89. which (9)
15. her (51)	40. i've (19)	65. slug (12)	90. why (9)
16. this (51)	41. how (19)	66. turns (12)	91. will (9)
17. is (49)	42. out (19)	67. while (12)	92. way (9)
18. so (45)	43. about (18)	68. can't (12)	93. thank (9)
19. for (42)	44. when (18)	69. there (11)	94. through (9)
20. just (38)	45. think (17)	70. more (11)	95. most (9)
21. but (36)	46. back (17)	71. feel (11)	96. can (9)
22. be (31)	47. no (16)	72. that's (11)	97. there's (9)
23. know (30)	48. time (16)	73. turn (11)	98. then (9)
24. all (28)	49. becomes (16)	74. as (11)	99. very (8)
25. like (28)	50. here (16)	75. life (11)	100. everything (8)

Username:
Word Count by Hutta.

suck on this.

2004-04-09T09:44:27Z

Am I a jack of all trades? Nope...
I like to write songs though
Are they good? I dunno...
But I could tell you that I only write shit down when I believe it
So take this how you want, but know I mean it.
I want you all to know that I'm scared
out of my fuckin' crooked soul and have never faced a monster like the last few months
Ever in my whole life...
I wish I could explain this better
But the pieces won't formulate it to anything even close to cohesive.
So I guess this is my feeble way to thank you
Four soldiers that extended something sacred out of the purity of kindness
I owe you all my life and please don't argue with that statement
'Cause without y'all I may not have a life to offer, take it.

Thank you
I wish I could explain this better.
Thank you
I'm sorry for burdening your pleasures.
Thank you
I love you all with all that's left of me.
Thank you
For helping try to kill what made a mess of me
Thank you
Somehow, someway.
Thank you
I'm gunna get you back someday.
Thank you
Just gotta figure this all out...

I guess it is kind of funny when you look at it from a step back
How one man can literally buckle under the same pressures
Other men operate normally under
I have scoped this out from all angles, multiple times
I have been over everything in my head, until I can't think anymore
But I guess some times, when you can't breathe, there are people there
to breathe for you
I am lucky enough to have those people around me.

Pocket full of pennies, and a soul gone tilt
Cockpit full of memories and a dream full of guilt

droppin bangers part 2: always coming back home to you...

2003-12-13T06:07:37Z

Took a right on Lindale, I'm getting near
But then the road became empty and the people disappear'd.
The clouds ran away, opened up the sky
And one by one I watched every constellation die.
And there I was frozen, standin in my backyard
Face to face, eye to eye, starin at the last star.
I should've known, walked all the way home
To find that she wasn't here, I was still all alone.

- you know who.

on my desk right now...are four worn down no.2 pencils that lie on top of my notebook, erasers untouched. lighters and lighters and lighters, did i mention that i don't smoke? four half empty (pessimist) glasses of water, strategically placed, like that little girl from "signs", in case of alien attacks. "Flamin' Hot" fries. my "nikolai 8 taryn" picture. a ridiculous amount of pills. a molding of a hand making a "peace" sign that alex made for me last year. my wallet, with no money in it. my cell phone, with no recent calls...which leaves only enough room for my elbows, which hold up my face in my hands...

…coming soon…droppin bangers part 3: the final banger…

droppin bangers part 1: Verbal Intercourse, Vol. 3: It's Better To Have Loved...

2003-12-13T06:05:52Z

You know that feeling...where you want to eat some mushrooms and disappear into the mountains for like a week? That feeling is very pervasive with me right now. The anguish of my last failed relationship has begun to set in deeply. I think I was in shock when it happened, but it's all becoming very real right now. The one before this last one was mentally ill and before her, there were no girls for a long time. So I had some hope for this one. She was sweet, mentally stable, pretty, creative, etc. In short, there wasn't a lot wrong with her. Except that she broke up with me, of course, which I have to hold against her, just a little bit. I have a feeling that her eyes are going to haunt me for the rest of my life, however. She had the most devastatingly beautiful brown eyes I've ever seen in a girl. I fell hard. What else could I do? Now her look is tattooed on my brain. Every one of her varying gazes are etched into my subconscious. They appear in my head anywhere, at any time, like photographs of those memorable moments from childhood that you keep stashed in the back of your mind. I remember what her eyes looked like when she became amused at one of my political rants. She didn't give a damn about politics, which to me, was one of the most special things about her. I especially liked how they looked when she laughed at something funny while we were watching a movie. Her laugh was so genuine and pure, something I didn't have, but was glad I had in her instead. I remember what they looked like right before she fell asleep, how she stared adoringly and reassuringly. Most of all, I remember what they looked like when she told me she didn't want us to see each other anymore. I tried playing it off at the time, but I was officially shattered. I felt foolishly triumphant not letting her see it. I'm still not sure why I did that.
My friends tell me to move on already, it's just a girl, there'll be more. They know better than that, though, because they know how stupidly sensitive I am and how hard I take this stuff. They want me to be mad at her, but I refuse. If she wasn't happy, what was I going to do? Force her to stay around anyway? That wouldn't be right, no matter how you sliced it. That's what love is, caring about someone else's well being above yours. I think my friends are worried though, because I'm not furious at her. That's the typical reaction to these types of situations, isn't it, to get angry at your ex because they can't see the wonderfulness that is you? It's an awfully egotistical way to be, if you ask me. I suppose facing the reality that you aren't someone's ideal partner in life is a far too depressing fact to confront for most people.

Peace,
FuseONE (of hhi)

so that pretty much sums up exactly how i feel at the moment. i've been keeping busy lately, ridiculously busy, to help keep my mind off of her. it works...to an extant. i fell, and fell hard. but now it's time to stand back up. i'm not necessarily ready to dust myself off...i'd feel too uncomfortable without this shield around me. i've turned my back on relationships and god, which sucks, cause i know both of them will eventually come back and bite me in the ass. i'm far from bitter. which is good, because i hate being bitter. i've stopped doing the things that have hurt me so much in the past. i've been writing more and doing very well in school, thanks to a new "clear mind". i've learned a lot about myself...maybe too much. from certain conversations and taryn's last entry, i've realized that i am too caring and too open with my feelings. it's a fault of mine, and one that i vow to end immediately. have i changed? nah, not at all. just don't talk to me about god or relationships for awhile, cause as of right now, i've never heard of either. blah, blah, blah...to sum things up...emotionally: i'm a wreck, everything else: is just alright.

piece,
nikMURILLO (of o,fl)

bosstone86 @ 2003-10-27T04:29:00

2003-10-27T09:29:31Z

i'm done. there's nothing left for me here.

Then we'll wait for it to pass

2003-10-08T08:23:51Z

That's why I'm singing baby don't worry
'Cause now I got your back
And every time you feel like crying
I'm gonna try and make you laugh
And if I can't
If it just hurts too bad
Then we'll wait for it to pass
And I will keep you company for those days so long and black

And we'll keep working on the problem
We know we'll never solve
Of love's uneven remainders
Our lives are fractions of a whole
But if the world could remain within a frame
Like a painting on a wall
Then I think we'd see the beauty then
We'd stand staring in awe

so do you get the point that i'm going through a tough time? i'm still grinnin tho. i know it's all gunna work out. i know we'll be alright. i'm getting by. i dont sleep anymore...but other than that i'm doing alright. i dont think i have to say anymore...except atmosphere is coming to orlando. damn yeah.

g'night.

stay a little bit longer...

2003-08-27T19:03:19Z

i'm 19 years old. and i have no fucking idea what's going on with my life. i've always been somewhat confident in knowing about myself. how i work and why i work. how i think and why i think. where i'm going and why i'm going. but as of yesterday, i'm lost. and sure of it. and it's fucking scary. i'm not talking about where i'm going in life...what's in my future...or even what i'm doing tomorrow morning. i understand that that is something to fear, and i do have strong "mixed" feelings about my future. but being completely lost in who i am and not understanding things that i do...it's like...i've been viewing my life from outside of my body, pretending to see what everyone else sees...and it's ugly. and i'm not meaning to sound into myself in anyway, because i am a piece of shit, and i know that...i just want to understand the way i am. i'm scared of finding something that i hate about myself, and not being able to change it. i'm worried. i'm worried because i don't know what to do. when it comes to something about myself or a situation that i have to deal with, then my heads on my shoulders and i figuere it out. but i'm lost. scared. and i don't know what to do. my head is somewhere between here and fort fucking myers and i really, really feel alone. kinda hurts ya know. a lot of mixed things happened over summer. and i know a few things have changed me and how i think. whether it's for good or for bad...we'll have to see when i get all this shit straightened out. i know noone likes reading this shit...so don't. i'll figuere it all out.

"it's her smile, it captivates me mind, body, and soul."

keep the change...

2003-05-31T04:59:06Z

so i've become a hermit of sorts. and quite frankly, i'm sick of myself. start work on monday, which means i'll be tired always and never want to go out. everything has been just so disappointing this week. i'm in a rut i'd say.

on a lighter note: i have a baby sister as of around 3 o'clock yesterday. she's right across the street actually, at cape hospital. she's probably the most beautiful thing i've seen since...i dunno even know when. i just held her and smiled. i'm a sucker.

i really don't understand my dad, and i don't think i ever will. that really disappoints me. my mom's job is in jeopardy after 14 years, for something someone else did. that disappoints me. this town makes me feel things i've never asked to feel. heh, you can always tell when i'm back home...when i write one of these lame, depressing posts. blah blah. next year will be amazing. i'm incredibly excited about it. i'm left with zero room for error tho. one fuck up, and i'm stuck in this hell hole for life. needless to say, that's more than enough motivation for me.

and so i've been thinking...there's a lot of things that i'd like to change about myself. but then i wonder...would she want me to change them? i'm an alright person. i don't think they're many people out there that don't like me, or have something against me. but there are just these parts of me that i wish were different. i'm not a confident person. whatsoever. ehhh, fuck this. i'm just bein gay. i'm just worried that it may be too late for me to change something. all i can say for now is...we'll see.

well, it's off to bed. just figured i'd fill you in on my wonderful summer so far. where is she to fall asleep on me? i can wait.

just keep the change...

it's james and the giant tugboat complex, and he's annoyed

2003-05-06T08:16:04Z

"all i ever wanted was to pick apart the day
put the pieces back together my way."

dare i say that i'm looking forward to going back home for the summer? well, i was. and then my wonderful mother sprayed her rays of sunshine. made me feel like shit. worthless. too bad she hates me. too bad i'm not such a big fan of hers either. i'm so testy right now, i'd probably punch you in the face if you criticized how i say "I-ther" (either) instead of your "EE-ther" shit. it will be great to see everyone again though. i miss everyone so damn much. i just need someone to rub my belly and make all this shit go away. to those who let me vent on em tonight (bobbo, danielle, justine) i thank you. cause if not...my apartment would have been filled with dead bodies. respect. and i'm off...

every word from her mouth makes me love her even more...

"i don't wanna save the world
i'd rather watch it die slow
so i could spit my grand 'i told you so!'"

who wants a livejournal t-shirt?

2003-04-25T20:33:09Z

fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck...but seriously, fuck.

...but she hurts so good...

2003-04-16T09:48:43Z

...yeah...

she applied the lipstick slow
slow enough for me to bask in
fast enough for me to wish it lasting
past my alarm's cackling

so you can wave that piece of shit flag if you dare...

2003-03-21T18:31:05Z

this war is startin to piss me off.

this place is startin to piss my off.

gunna try to post a real entry later;

i really can't think right now.

-nikolai.

fuck

2003-03-12T08:25:29Z

i'm in a bad place right now...

more in the morning.

and this godzilla jukie...

2003-03-06T09:39:05Z

so much to say...so little mind to say it...

this is how i shall rise...

2003-02-27T08:39:24Z

don't really know how i feel right now.
it's bad though.
i'm just sad.
i'm just so incredibly lonely.
i don't feel right.
i feel wrong.

i miss being happy.
i miss her.
my life's slowly becoming a routine.
a sad, boring, lonely routine.
a worthless routine.
i hurt.
everywhere and in every sense.
and there's no one here that understands me.
i really love this place, but right now...
i just wanna be so far away.
say california maybe.
it's just really taking a toll on me now.
being so far away.
i need it to be physical.
i need to touch.
i need to feel.

i need to grow the fuck up.
weird thing is, i'm the most grown up person here.
that doesn't help.
i need help.

i know this is just a phase.
i know my bruises will heal.
they always do.
it's just hard when there's so much shit goin on.

god i miss her so much.

If you are wondering
what I'm gonna do...
while you are sleeping
Am I sleeping too?
Well I'm just sitting here loving you
Closing my eyes and loving you
I'm just sitting back, sitting here loving you...
- some dude from hhi.

sleep happy everyone.

who likes it?

2003-02-23T09:31:12Z

i really need to update...

...so i'll maybe do that tomorrow...

lettin ya'll know

2003-01-24T08:28:59Z

donny darko is one of most over-rated movies of all time!

if anyone had dr. klein for physics, they'd agree with me too, but not just for that reason, and not just because drew barrymore should die cause she's the worst actress on earth (let alone producer)...just cause...if i have to explain anymore...

nuff said.

now she's in my world like hip-hop...

2003-01-14T02:47:52Z

just wanted to let the world know i'm in love with the most amazing girl god's ever put on this beautiful earth...and i can't stop smilin...

i'm rockin a split halo...

2002-12-16T01:56:47Z

"so it's been a minute, and i've grown fond of this outfit..."

anybody that tells me where that's from gets 5 free hugs from me. it isn't too hard. i got a feelin i'll be givin linne some hugs, unless he's turned his back on hip-hop completely. this is all just an excuse for me to hug someone right now...i need one. i'm sad, upset, depressed, and really really pissed. and the thing is, i was none of these 10 min. ago. oh well...

this town brings the worst out of me, in so many different ways. never come here, ever. cape coral/fort myers that is. there's definitely some crazy voodoo shit goin on here. i can't understand how people say they love comin back down here. this place makes me want to die. the only reason i'd want to come, is to see my mom and the very very very few people that can make me happy here. so if you see me down here, don't ever talk to me, cause apparently i'm the meanest, most bitter asshole of an old man anyone's ever seen. i just wanna say "fuck you" right now, but there's nobody here to say it to. i'm tired of pretending to give a shit when i couldn't care less. i'm tired of pretending to be nice when i really just wanna slap you in the face. i'm just tired of it all. cause nothing gets returned the way that i give it out. so what's the fucking point? i don't even know what to say anymore...

sorry for anyone reading this. i wanted it to be a happy 50th post, but it sorta blew up in my face. anyone who knows me know i'm not like this. i'm not mean, unless you're mean to me. i don't get pissed that easily unless you're the wrong person at the wrong time, or the right person at the wrong time. this entry means nothing, i don't want anyone to read it and think that it's about them, cause it's not, so don't worry about it. i'm just lettin some shit out.

whatever.

the f-word

2002-11-19T23:31:34Z

yo it wasn't even like that
I wanted my cardiovascular to fight back
cupid had me runnin' circles blindfolded
in the daytime with a flashlight looking for her
yo, sit back, relax and smell the roses
a fly girl by any other name would still be that
but the trick is to see that
I'm caught in between future's fantasies and memories I played back
told my man I started sword fighting
'cause fencing was similar to tongue kissing
if you wait too long you gonna end up confessin'
all I think about is you undressin'
I extended my thoughts in a relationship
but they sunk like the titanic relation-ships
she was in a love triangle
but it wasn't like my feelings weren't there to make it a square
penny's for her thoughts
she's my very own American Beauty, red petals when we talk
...the f word

check this situation, I wore my lust like cologne
she called it Obsession
the background's black and white and we adolescents
like what the fuck we know about love?
the more I learn it's like the Clash of the Titans
all I wanna do is avoid fightin'
a little arguing's okay but not everyday
and if we can't communicate what we got decays
until the smell gets more pungent
to the point where we can't be seen in public
body parts fallin' apart, a symbol of what things do
or better yet, a symbol of what friends do, they die
and together forever just sounds fly
that's how it sounded to me when I heard it
and slow motion was her lips as she worded
the f word
"don't take it personal, I like you a lot but I don't wanna lose what we got"
but what we got now is friction
she tellin' me intimacy and friendship she ain't mixin'
the f word

yo, you burnin' the candle at both ends
I'm supposed to be the "friend", I'm gettin' "fri"ed in the "end"
the big bang theory, what is this a trend?
you ask a girl out and the universe extends
tell me to talk to the hand again and I'll read your palm
I'm smellin' your shit now, don't know how to call
all I wanted was grounds for understanding
I ain't greedy, but to hold your heart I gotta put my hand in, why debate?
you think you can fit me in that anorexic space between love and hate?
I got all of the first one and none of the other
and that's something I learned from my sister and my mother
thought we was close in the genesis before all of this
technology was cordless, a senseless courtship

this is more than just a song and when he's treating you wrong
I'm more than just a shoulder to cry on
the F word